Being Old

Once again, went out to take grandma to her doctor's appointment, then run her out to her house to get mail so she can keep paying her bills.  I HATE taking her to her house. I would much rather go alone.  She can be in a good mood the whole day, we get to her house and that's it, no more happy.  We go inside, she collects her mail, which her son dutifully puts on her dining room table, he knows better than to throw away ANYTHING, including junk mail.  EVERY time we go there she complains, no not complains, has a conniption fit about her house.  Some of the things she says is just ridiculous.  Because she isn't the one doing the cleaning, it's filthy, falling apart and might as well get rid of all her stuff.  Her home is clean.  It might be dusty, but it's clean.  Things aren't exactly as she left them, she has to use a walker on wheels to get around and make sure she doesn't fall (which she does all the time due to her Meniere's disease, which causes dizziness and instability)  The first time I went out there without her, while she was still in the hospital I moved some of her furniture around because it DID NOT make sense they way it was set up.  She had the coffee table in the middle of the living room so she could walk between the coffee table and the couch to get to the bathroom or anywhere else on that side of the house.  She doesn't sit on the couch, she sits in a recliner, so logically, the table should be closer to the couch leaving the living room more open so she can move around easier.  So I moved the table closer to the couch and opened up the area so she could move smoothly through her house.
Oh, this was so not the right move on my part, and the bad thing is she just assumed her son did it.  I told her I did it.  She stopped complaining, but wanted it moved back. FINE.  Every time we go out there she has nothing good to say about her house, her son or even her sister.  I HATE being put in the position of having to defend my uncle, because I am definitely not his number one fan.  But I had no choice.   But of course as she says "your just taking his side".  I DO NOT WANT to take his side.  Sometimes though, something has to be said.  And how insulting is it to complain to the very people who are caring for your home while you are away that it's filthy?? 
I finally had it out with her Monday night.  Whether any of it got through to her or not I don't know. But I do know I'm not taking her to her house anymore unless she stays in the car.  Before everyone jumps on me for telling off my 90 yr old grandma, let me says I did not yell or scream.  I used logic, her faith, and a good dose of guilt.  She is more concerned with material things than she is with her own well being.  My mom heard everything I said, didn't interfere and finally went to bed. This lasted until 11:30 at night. Way past everyone's bed times and I was/am sick on top of all that.
You might wonder what finally made me break my silence.  Some things happened a long time ago that she claims not to remember. I didn't bring it up to make her feel bad, but I brought it up so maybe she would understand that I know what she's feeling when she feel like she's lost her home.  This started a whole "I've treated you so badly" and I don't even remember it conversation.  Tried over and over again to explain to her that it wasn't brought up as a "look at what you did to me" but I was just trying to get her to understand that I understood how she felt.  Anyway, the last straw was when I came in and overheard my grandma tell my mother she wasn't going to be making any more doctor's appointments because she had already caused enough problems in my life.  She did not know I had walked back in the house.  I wanted to say something right away, but held my tongue.  After I knew I wouldn't holler at her and would thing logically and clearly that is when I confronted her.  There was a lot said but it boiled down to this: "You have two choices in your life that you can control.  Either choose to be a positive person and enjoy the years you have left, or keep being negative and be miserable".  Everything else is up to God.  From previous blogs some of you know the situation already.  But she can control how she sees things, she can be positive about life and maybe achieve happiness before she leaves this earth, or she can choose negativity and leave this world earlier that she probably would have if she would have chosen optimism.  Positive emotions will keep you going much longer than negative ones.  Her health is okay, she should be happy, but she's not.  She's too busy feeling sorry for herself because she can't go home to live by herself. Thanks grandma, glad being by yourself and surrounded by your precious material things are more important than your health and the ones who are trying to care for you.  She doesn't understand how she hurts or insults us when she complains about not being able to be home.  I've spent more time with her in the last 4 months than I have in almost 20 years.  I'm happy to able to do what I can for her. Why can't she be happy and just enjoy her last few years on earth?  If I ever hear the word "burden" come out of her mouth again, I just may treat it like a foul word and wash her mouth out with soap, like she did us as kids when we said bad words. I love her, more than I can say, but this constant poor me crap has got to stop.  Please God, do not let me wind up like that.  This is another reason I do not want to live to be an old person.